When a certain football player (who will remain unnamed) asked me to marry him, I knew life would never be the same. What I didn't know was that our wedding day would be the day that I realized everything would change.
Since my husband-to-be was such a popular and loved player for our city's team, with a great passion for the game, his mates convinced him (didn't take much, really) to stage our wedding at the football arena with the ceremony taking place right on the field. He would be at one end zone, and me approaching him from the other for "the final touchdown." Hmph. Football players.
Anyway, my beloved decided to take it one step further and invite all of his fans and the press to fill the stands. I was so caught up in such a whirlwind of publicity by this point, that I just went along for the ride. Needless to say, with thousands of people watching from the stands and thousands more on TV, I was nervous. As we got closer to my team, the bridal party, making our "first downs" onto the field, I got even more anxious and I felt like I had to pee. To top it off, it was a very cold, November day, which didn't make my situation any better. However, I couldn't use the restrooms in either of the locker rooms because they were blocked by paparazzi; and, the restrooms in the stands were off-limits to the wedding party and their guests for our own security. All that was left were the port-a-potties!
I couldn't hold it any longer. I shoved my bouquet into my maid-of-honor's hands, and made a dash for the closest one. Man, I hate those things! I've always avoided using one if I could ever help it. This was one detail my man did not plan for in his fantasy wedding. Good thing, my dress contained a hoop. I was able to lift and squat without getting a single stain on my dress, but it also meant I had to keep holding it up in order to get out untouched.
I heard my maid-of-honor just outside trying to warn me about something, but all I could think of was getting outta there as fast as possible. As I kicked the door open, I heard a stirring in the stands which quickly rose into a roar and cheering, when I realized that it was all for me. I looked up and there I was on the big screen, frozen in time like a deer caught in the headlights with my dress hiked up to my garter. At that moment, a photog snapped this pic which aired on every sports network and was published in every sports mag and newspaper as "one of the highlights" of our wedding game. And that was my initiation into the life of a football player's wife.
The test had a plus sign, now to figure out which one of you is the father..
Title: it's the SMALL THINGS
Jane, as I reflect on the your wedding day, it is truly the SMALL things that made your day so very special.
The SMALL, stolen kisses between you and John.
Some SMALL tears that escaped your daddy's eyes.
Two SMALL beautiful rings that symbolize the unending circle of love that you two share.
Your SMALL bladder that forced you to squeeze into that SMALL porta-potty for a SMALL bit of time (in the middle of your vows), while we all had a SMALL giggle at your expense.
Well, you learned one SMALL lesson: Don't sweat the SMALL things, Mrs. Doe.
I can not believe I didn’t make sure the restaurant have a bathroom! Actually, let me correct my self -they did have a bathroom-outside in the parking lot, they just “ forgot” to mention that little detail. Here it is the most important photo of the day: the bride in a port-a-potty. Unforgettable!
Moral of the story: check everything in the restaurant, even the bathrooms!
R - Really excited about marrying my true love today!
E - Enthusiastic that the big day is really here and that my mom and friends are around to help me prepare.
L - Little bit uncomfortable at having to keep tinkling once all dressed up in my corset, crinoline and gown…maybe it's just nerves and that third cup of coffee!
I - It freaks us all out when the toilet in the cabin's bridal suite overflows; my train barely misses the flood & the shoes of 2 bridesmaids get wet. AND I still have to pee!
E - Efforts to help me reach a fever pitch as I run raving and screaming bridezilla-like outside looking for a tree to hide and squat behind; I knock over Aunt Gertrude & her tower of poorly wrapped Precious Moments figurines. Mom chases me with a bucket and Kleenex.
F - FINALLY find comfort in the guests' Port-o-Potties at the edge of the ceremony property! Ahhhhhhh…. So sweet of the groomsmen to come to my aid with some Purell!
The relieved bride is now ready to get this show on the road! Let's get married!!